Matt Goldman, George Lucas
Akjak Moving Pictures
- James Earl Jones: "I'm James Earl Jones and I play the part of-"
- Leia Organa: "Darth Vader"
- ―The opening lines of Vader Sessions[src]
Vader Sessions is a fan-created video that mixes sound clips of James Earl Jones from his other movies into scenes in Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope featuring Darth Vader. As a result, it creates a new plot involving a love triangle with Princess Leia, and careful reworking of scenes has him destroying the Death Star. The creator of the film is Steven Frailey of Akjak.com.
- "Big son of a bitch!"
- ―Darth Vader, upon seeing the Millennium Falcon[src]
The film opens with the sound of repeated blasterfire as the title card flashes into view, followed by the sound of a stormtrooper requesting that someone open a blast door somewhere. The audience then hears James Earl Jones introduce himself, but it is Leia Organa who reveals that he will be playing Darth Vader. A short monologue ensues, where Vader talks about a nervous breakdown that he once had, after thirteen years on the Force. Apparently, Vader has not told many people this story.
The audience is then shown Vader's breakdown, starting with his boarding of the Tantive IV. Inspecting the bodies of Alderaanian troops, slain by the troopers in the 501st Legion under his command, he offers the fallen a payout of $1,000,000 USD. When he is met with no reply, he ramps up the offer to $2,000,000. He then finds Raymus Antilles and begins throttling him. When informed by a stormtrooper that the Death Star plans Vader was looking for were not stored in the main computer, the Dark Lord mentally tortures Antilles, claiming that his "mama's going on a date… Can you dig that, a date… like a nice restaurant, some fine music". Antilles, confused, asserts that the Tantive IV is a consular ship, not associated with any Death Star plans, and certainly not involved with his mother's social life. Vader, dissatisfied, "reveals" that Antilles' mother is going on a date with him, and that she's going to "have a good time". When Antilles fails to "dig that", Vader breaks his neck, and throws his lifeless body into the wall. Rounding on his troopers, Vader justifies his actions by claiming that he's in the prime of his life, he's "gotta live the way" he's "got to", that he's "gonna make me some money again, I'm gonna fight!", and that he's "got his turn to be the Champion of the World."
Shortly thereafter, Princess Leia Organa is brought before Vader. Immediately vilifying his decision to attack the ship, she is met with the rebuttal that she has been stealing his valuables since she left Detroit with Willy the Pimp. Organa asserts that she knows nothing of this, but Vader warns her not to "poppa" him, or he will "poppa" her in kind and with interest. He then orders the stormtroopers to remove her "black ass", though she is clearly Caucasian, then curses to Jesus.
Commander Daine Jir cautions Vader that detaining the Organa may be dangerous. Vader defends his actions by claiming that what he has done is the lesser of two evils, the other option being stashing her away in Nigger Town, and stealing a chance to observe her at midnight. When Jir protests further, Vader uses another hypothetical: That of keeping Organa in a box and carrying her around. Vader then meets Nahdonnis Praji, who informs him that the plans were not on board, and that an escape pod had jettisoned from the ship, although no life forms were aboard, much to Vader's humbled disappointment. Musing that their interdiction is "pretty far along as it is", suggesting that there's no turning back as he's "sittin' here gettin' older every minute", Vader exits the room without fanfare.
When his ship, the Devastator, reaches the Death Star, Vader attends a meeting with all of the highest ranking officials onboard. The Imperials sit around in silence, waiting for Vader to accept responsibility for his actions. Once he acknowledges their anger at him, Vader justifies his actions by likening his position of power to fatherhood. Conan Motti, skeptical, accosts Vader's views, which Vader meets with an application of Force Choke. He claims that the father is the breadwinner of the family, and that if you don't win the bread, you don't succeed. Wilhuff Tarkin demands that Vader release Motti, to which Vader begrudgingly complies.
Visiting Organa's cell on the Death Star, Vader begins to seduce his daughter, with Enfield and Grenwick standing watch. He brings in an IT-O Interrogator to liven up the experience for Organa, and then has the door to the cell shut, presumably so he can perform acts of deviancy in relative privacy. Later, he tells Tarkin that Organa was the greatest kisser he had ever kissed, with his wife being the exception, suggesting there was such "warmth" and "juice". At this point, it appears clear to Tarkin that Vader is losing his mind, but he can muster no rebuttal, sitting in quiet desperation even as Vader advises him that the quickest way to get a woman in bed is to get them to take their clothes off and have a bath.
Going down to the docking bays to inspect the Millennium Falcon, which the Death Star has just captured, Vader marvels at its size. As the manifest is laid out, Vader is distracted by a voice from beyond, then begins a wistful reminisce about the importance of baseball in front of a bewildered officer. Back in the Death Star conference room, Vader informs Tarkin that in 1924, he posed for a sculpture depicting him singing "Deep River". Tarkin, seemingly fed up with Vader's nonsensical ramblings, entreats Vader to drop the act by insisting he was the last of the Jedi, to which Vader asserts that he can't tell Tarkin the secret of life. Declaring that he doesn't do interviews and would rather be left alone, Vader storms out of the room.
Prowling the corridors of the gargantuan space station, Vader encounters his old mentor, Obi-Wan Kenobi, who he calls "Mister Wizansky". Claiming that he is impressed with the way that Kenobi's work has improved, he engages the old Jedi in a lightsaber duel, suggesting that he has "learned what it's like to be black". Despite his earlier commendation, he tells Kenobi to work twice as hard as "these little white shits", and that he will get no special treatment from Vader. Kenobi, confident, begins to lecture Vader, but the Dark Lord, irritated, strikes down the old man, urging him to be silent. Though Kenobi has become one with the Force, Vader mocks him, calling him "Sally".
When the Death Star approaches Yavin, Vader airs his concerns, suggesting that their backs are against the wall and advising Tarkin to turn back, presumably to return to Eriadu. When the Rebels attack, Tanbris approaches Vader, and complains about the fact that the attackers are evading the Death Star's defensive emplacements. Cautioning Tanbris that he had been out of his mind for the last 3½ hours, Vader orders him to sit down before he falls down. Feeling that there is a lack of black representation in the "committee", Vader then orders two black-clad TIE pilots to be his wingmen, as he flies out into combat. He plays several songs on his TIE Advanced x1's radio, including "Welcome to the Terrordome" by Public Enemy", "I'm Still Alive" by Pearl Jam and "Piano Man" by Billy Joel, before singing "Deep River" to himself. Eventually exclaiming "that's enough", he fires two proton torpedoes into the Death Star's exhaust shaft, destroying the station. He then flies away nonchalantly, continuing to sing "Deep River".
The audience then sees a montage of Vader, set to Billy Joel's "My Life", reflecting on the sporadic and abrupt nature of his tragic nervous breakdown.
- James Earl Jones as Darth Vader. A confused and lonely man, Darth Vader suffers from a nervous breakdown, which is the centerpiece of the story. At first engaging in mild acts of incest, he devolves into a state where he kills all of his colleagues with a minimum of fuss. James Earl Jones is an Academy Award nominated actor who voiced Darth Vader in the film Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope, upon which Vader Sessions is derived. Lines delivered by Jones in other films, such as The Great White Hope, Coming to America, Soul Man, The Hunt for Red October and Field of Dreams substitute his original Star Wars lines.
In the popular video sharing network of YouTube, Vader Sessions has been given an aggregate rating of four out of five stars by the users, and has been viewed well over 5,335,000 times, as of December 2014. It has also been favorited by over 21,000 users.